To Me, From Me.

A letter of motivation to my past selves.

To the eight-year-old me who thought everything she did was wrong — ITS NOT YOU.

You DO NOT deserve what you’ve had to endure.

You are not responsible for the actions of adults.

You didn’t choose to be abused.

No child should see or experience what you have seen and experienced. Being afraid to draw attention to yourself, to ask a question, to do anything in case you make a wrong move is not normal. Dreading coming home from school because of the cruel treatment waiting for you there is not normal. You shouldn’t flinch when someone raises their hand. You shouldn’t have to try to be invisible. You shouldn’t feel like an annoyance just for breathing.

There will be more years of this; mental and emotional mistreatment, on top of the physical. It’s not going to be pretty.

But you are strong.

You are resilient.

You will get through this.

To the twelve-year-old me who was self-conscious about everything — STOP.

Your spirit has been broken down bit by bit over the years. Being self-conscious is your M.O. now but you have to stop worrying about what other kids think of you. EVERYONE is going through their own struggles right now, despite how things may look on the outside. Stop spending time worrying about being popular. Popularity is fleeting, but being your true authentic self is what will last. Stop spending time worrying about being pretty. Your appearance just so happened to come with a big forehead. That’s never going to change, so accept it and move on. You were made in God’s own image, which outweighs any earthly standard of beauty.

Stop hating your laugh — it is uniquely you. And it’s okay to be different. Have the courage to celebrate that. Stop wishing you were anyone or anywhere else. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you for one reason or another. Maybe they don’t even have a reason. And that’s fine. Focus on figuring out who you are and be proud of it.

To the sixteen-year-old me who wanted to give up — KEEP PUSHING.

It hasn’t been easy to carry so much.

To hide your emotions and pretend everything is okay. To keep the bad parts of your home life a secret from family members and friends. To try to remember each and every irrational rule that could cause a blow up if violated. To cover the bruises to avoid potential questions. To have to give up what little you earn, derailing the goals you had for yourself.

It’s been draining.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s difficult to see. You will get out because you are not meant to stay here. You’re going through these trials for a reason. The challenges, the tests, all of it is forming what will be your testimony. So, keep writing out your feelings. Pray fervently. Push through the depression. Enjoy your time with your friends. Catalogue the fun times to remember years down the road; these are little glimmers of hope to let you know that everything will work out as it was meant to.

Because it will.

To the twenty-two-year-old me who struggled in the real world — BETTER IS COMING.

Countless college grads have come out of school and haven’t found jobs in their fields, or jobs at all, for that matter. This is the aftermath of the recession; that’s what makes finding a job so difficult, not your qualifications or anything that you are doing wrong. THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY. Don’t beat yourself up over something that is outside of your control. Also, it’s not just you anymore, you have support. Talk to him, allow yourself to lean on him and it will deepen your bond.

Having to pivot is a part of life and that is what you need to do here. Get out of your head about having to go right into your chosen career field. You are at your best when you are productive. Given what you’ve come through, there’s no job that is beneath you, college grad or not. You need to stay busy to stave off those negative thoughts creeping in. You can’t afford to go back down that road.

Hang in there, your time will come.

To the thirty-four-year-old me overwhelmed by her blessings — YOU DESERVE IT.

You are driven, focused, and your work ethic is hard to rival. You give your best to everyone, from your husband and child, to your job, to church. All the sacrifices, the struggles, the hard times, the frustration, and the tears have brought you here. Your promotion was earned; accept those accolades with pride. That new rock on your finger is a symbol of your commitment over all these years. The single-family home is a manifestation of your focus and hard work.

You are gaining confidence that you’ve never had, and this is reflected in how you carry yourself and what you choose to be involved in. You have even rediscovered your love of writing and have finally decided to share your gift with others. Everything you have given is coming back to you; what has been taken away is being restored. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

This is not the end — it’s all uphill from here.