My Strong Willed Child

Did anyone else out there live in a fantasy world when thinking about what parenthood would be like before you had kids? No, just me? Alright then.

To be clear, I wasn’t so naïve as to think that my kid would never step out of line. Nope, even in my dream world I wasn't that lucky. But I did foster the belief that reining said kid back in would be done with relative ease. I mean, the ‘mom look’ worked on me, so of course it would work for my child, right?

Wrong.

My child, the precocious, empathetic, amazing small human that I helped create, is decidedly not like I was as a kid. In fact, to add a truly ironic twist, she is a strong willed child or SWC for short.

What does that mean, you ask? Well, I’m learning more every day and thought I would share my perspective and experiences.

I am not a licensed psychologist and cannot give professional advice in this field.

So, one thing I noticed about my child is that she likes to do the opposite of what we suggest. No, not just likes. Enjoys. She would vastly prefer to go her own route instead of just heeding our advice. For example, we’ve reminded her about something as benign as building a sturdier base for her toy tower, to something as significant as only pet the cat once, then leave him alone. Guess what? When she doesn’t listen, the tower becomes top-heavy and collapses and she inevitably gets scratched by the old ornery cat after too much snuggling. She gets frustrated, but every time she chooses the hard way to go. She’s not even ten yet and she’s been this way for years already. Yes, I know that we’re in for it, this is only a preview of her teen years and whatever other euphemism is applicable here. My husband and I well aware. She is our SWC. And there is an inherent strife that comes with this that we work every day to manage.

Another of our current struggles is getting dear daughter up and out of bed during the week. It is a whole situation to get her teeth brushed, clothes on and breakfast eaten. And this occurs no matter what creative strategies were employed the night before or what warning conversations were had. Clothes are picked out. Alarm is set. Bedtime is reasonable. The same routine has been in place through virtual learning and in person school. We’ve kept it all as consistent as possible. I may get a morning here or there where she wakes up willingly and in a pleasant mood. When she’s ready to take on the day, we’re able to cruise through it all with no issues, leaving some extra time before having to get outside. But most mornings are me beating my head against the brick wall of her snail-paced movements, my every sentence to her ending in ‘hurry up’. A majority of the time she is just swallowing the last of her breakfast while being ushered into her shoes, jacket, backpack and out the door to the bus stop. One of these days we’ll crack the code here.

I would not consider my husband and I to be new-aged parents by any means. We just try to be the best parents for our kid. The assignment that we were tasked with was to build up our child and we feel strongly about doing this without breaking her down first. I often hear older folks say these kids are ‘too spoiled’ and all they need to straighten them out is a ‘good tail whuppin’. Now, I’m not against corporal punishment in the right situation. There have been times when my child has been spanked. But it was the last resort, not the first. And thankfully, she turned the corner some time ago and she seems to be past that stage in her development.

As a whole, I feel that Millennial parents get a bad rap for being too soft on our kids, therefore making them soft. We are told that the older generations got beatings and turned out fine; they did the same to us and we turned out fine.

Did they?

Did we?

Because there are some older folks walking around out here with issues that have never been resolved from having to be ‘seen and not heard’. And there are surely some non-adjusted adults in my generation who, as children, did not have their thoughts and feelings validated and therefore carry around baggage including low self worth and esteem.

But I digress.

My SWC tends to have laser focus when it comes to what she wants. I mean, she really hones in on whatever it is that she wants to have or wants to do to the point that it could be considered obsessive. Like, when she loved My Little Pony, she loved My Little Pony. That’s all she watched, all she played and all she talked about. And on the subject of talking, when this child has something to say, God help you if you’re not available to listen. If she wants to tell you a story, she’s going to tell you the story regardless of if you are in the middle of something or not. You better be able to lend an ear.

This child is also a big fan of routine. As such, deviations from a schedule or plans are met, of course, with resistance. It takes her a while to come around to why things have to change whether it’s temporary, like pushing back a play date, or long term like virtual learning. To accompany this, her time is very valuable. So don’t let me instruct her to do something when she’s ‘busy’. When I tell baby girl to go pick up her toys off of the floor in her room while she’s engrossed in a book or that it’s time to put the iPad away for the day, before she can help herself, she’s grumbling about having to do the task or complaining that she was just at a good part in the story; the exciting part of the game. That she’s coming but has to do ‘x’ first.

A distinction here that I’ve witnessed firsthand is that where a more compliant child has grumbled passively while putting the book or game away, my strong willed child actively questions why the request needs to be done. ‘Why now?’ ‘Are we going somewhere?’ ‘Is someone coming here?’ ‘You said I could have a few more minutes the last time’. Telling my SWC to do or not to do something without telling her the reason behind it simply does not work. This flows into her main strong willed character trait, which is seeing herself as an equal to adults.

Not getting answers to her questions doesn’t jive with her perspective of ‘I’m an equal and this isn’t fair.’ She’s no stranger to voicing that sentiment when she complains that ‘Nobody cares what children want to do’. It’s difficult to explain that there are different rules because Mommy and Daddy are adults and at the same time reassure her that her voice matters but she doesn’t get to make the decisions. It’s basically explaining your role as a parent to the child that you assume should just inherently understand and adhere to. But we can’t stay in that space too long for fear of going down the rabbit hole of ‘Do as I say, not as I do’. It takes ingenuity to redirect her. It takes work. Work that I know will pay off in the long run.

Having an SWC as only child, I think, makes things trickier. If you are in this boat, please know that there isn’t anything you did to manifest or foster this trait. This is just their nature. And it takes some adjusting as a parent to fully come to terms with it and to meet your strong willed child where they are. The same tactics that work for more compliant kids do not apply for my strong willed child. My husband and I had to figure out what our kid covets to make inroads here.

Identifying whether it’s television, IPad, other electronics, special snacks, etc. and temporarily removing that thing has been the key to compliance. Losing something tangible can carry weight for her that the ‘mom look’ does not. Removing something that she values highly provides the incentive to comply that the threat of a spanking just doesn’t do. This doesn’t mean that these kids are unafraid of their parents or the consequences they may face for acting out; they just simply do not weigh consequences the same. For my child, a spanking was a brief discomfort that she was stubborn enough to withstand, then it was over. Not fun, but a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things

Thankfully though, there are two sides to every coin. Though my SWC may have her difficulties at home, she’s practically an angel in public. She has always conformed to day care and school rules and has no issues with behavior outside of the house. From the beginning, friends and family didn’t believe that we were having a tough time with her at home. Everyone who meets our little girl comments on how polite she is, how considerate and sweet. And she is that. We taught her manners as soon as she could speak and she has a genuine love for people. Her empathy is so pure that it tugs your heartstrings. She is the child who will ask her teacher if she’s okay if she senses any stress, who makes new friends wherever she goes and who gives out hugs freely. She’s smart, sensitive, funny and her smile makes one spread on your own face in return.

In looking back over the last few years, I can say that there has been an undeniable transformation in baby girl’s demeanor. She picks and chooses her battles now. Whereas previously she would have cried and/or thrown a tantrum over not getting what she wanted when she wanted it, now she accepts that it’s too late in the evening to have candy and she’ll remember to ask earlier in the day tomorrow. The maturity she has developed makes a huge difference. On the whole, family life has become less stressful for us since she has developed the ability to make better decisions. I would like to think that our change in mindset after realizing the type of child we were gifted with has also played a role. We give her the space to explore her feelings in a constructive way, but also continue to reinforce what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to respecting us as her parents.

So, yes, we still have rough mornings. Yes, we may have our momentary stand offs before she backs down. But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t change her for the world. Because she is who she was meant to be. In the thesaurus, synonyms for strong willed include decisive, confident and self-assured. I’m good with that. These traits will undoubtedly serve her well and take her far in life. No matter what, our stubborn, opinionated, persistent to a fault baby girl will always forge her own path to her destiny.